The other day when I was running I started feeling a tightness in my chest and breathing difficulty that I’ve never felt before. It wasn’t pain, but it was… I stopped and walked taking slow breaths that were shallow and then deep trying to find the middle ground where things felt fine. When I caught my breath I still felt tightness which told me that this had nothing to do with running. This was anxiety or stress.
I picked up the pace and ran home letting the sounds of cars, voices, wind, and birds surround me along with The Dresden Dolls playing through my headphones. When I got home I felt fine, physically, but I wondered what was up in my little brain that I am not aware of yet.
Yesterday I was moody for the first half of the day and shook it off with a good run, hot shower, and sitting outside with a cup of coffee. Then I thought about my friends and why they are my friends. Shortly afterwards I found myself zipping around town hunting for the “right” thing to drop off at a friend’s house. I figured I’d know when I found it. And I did.
Then a cold ride in the rain to have dinner with someone was on the agenda later. When I got home I was exhausted, no longer moody, and ok with the limbo I have been living in since who knows how long.
If there is something coming to the surface, fine, bring it. I have my support system and safe spaces. I have my house, which is my sanctuary, and I have a lot of love even if there are moments when I feel completely alone and forgotten. Reality is, I’m ok. I’m not alone. Feelings aren’t facts. So I’ll just lean into this, not force a solution, not force it back down, and see what happens.
Today I hit a car, a car hit me, whatever – depends how you view it. My front tire hit a driver’s side door… that’s the fact. He was making a left onto an avenue and looking for cars coming from his right. He didn’t once turn his head towards my direction on the two way avenue. I saw him, started slowing down because I had a feeling he was going to just GO… and he did. But I didn’t brake early enough and my tire hit his door. My face hit my dashboard, my left shoulder tensed up so hard I felt the bones creak and my collar bone made a weird noise.
When I got home, I pouted for a minute and made some tea. I thought about what if I had gone over my handlebars, what if I had been really hurt… who would know? This is why I have the emergency bracelet which I’ve been told is morbid and told is very smart. I am tired of justifying why I have it to those who think it is morbid. I consider it a responsible move on my part. My phone is locked and if I am ever seriously injured – someone should be able to reach someone.
Anyway, I went grocery shopping and listened to an episode of This American Life as I walked to the store and back. Not sure why but I started wondering if I’d be perfectly happy with all that has happened up to this point. I’m not sure. I have moments where I wish I had a different past, wish I could rewind and do a few things differently, and then also know that these shitty moments are what made me who I am and helped me get to this point. Mixed bag.
Overall I’m feeling ok. I’m slightly nervous I cracked my collar bone. I don’t like being hurt. It depresses me, reminds me how fragile I can be and am.