Strange dreams followed by two cats who demand food at ungodly hours of the morning. This is how my Saturday has started. This is how my weekend has started. Oh, who am I kidding? Everyday is like a weekend for me lately. This is both good and bad. It gives me time to focus on things that get pushed to the wayside and make my own schedule. Thursday I slept in till 9am because I could. I normally get up anywhere between 7am and 8am for no reason other than to be on a somewhat normal schedule.

Monday I ran away from Portland to Mt. Hood and watched a few people snowboard as well as just looked around. It was nice to be out of the city. If I had a car I’d probably do more trips like that. We stopped at Multnomah Falls on the way there too. I forget how close things are – weekend getaways are more feasible here than in NYC. Thursday I ran away to the circus. That was great.

Friday I ran away from my own head for a few hours and hung out at a cafe talking to a stranger. It left me feeling disconnected and in moments of feeling like that I find myself wandering around like I’m lost. I took my scooter and drove east till I got tired of that directed and then zig zagged back. Somewhere around NE Sandy I got turned around and blocked by road repairs which made me wonder what the best route was to get back home. Obstacles. Small ones.

I’ve had moments that last maybe 5 minutes where I am completely filled with irritation. They haven’t popped up often but when they do I just want to blow the whole top off of everything. It’s a tantrum that wants to come to the surface for no other reason than to throw someone under the bus… or into the train tracks… and it’s not worth my time or effort. So I’ve been working on letting that go and it’s been taking some time, patience (which sometimes I have none of), and breathing. It’s not my problem anymore.

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose”

Last night I sat in a coffee shop near my house that is often crowded in the evenings with the friends of the owner. I reflected for the hour I was there and remembered… last year I was in a bad state of mind. To the point where I just didn’t feel like I had any control of my life. There were hours, days, and minutes spent recapping the time I’ve been here in Portland and all I could remember were the ‘failures.’ In reality, they weren’t failures at all but my attitude and my state of mind turned them into that.

Things had changed so quickly for me in the first 2 months of living here – the job I wanted seemed impossible – the people I had dated were just that… had… – and I was lonely, depressed, and beating myself up. I had support and friends who listened. I had one friend who gave me a lot of her time and would stop by spontaneously to see how I was and would sometimes drag me out for some food, game of pool, or watch a movie with me. It was comforting and yet still couldn’t pull me out of my depression. I had to do it. It wasn’t easy. I had spent one night on the phone with my aunt for over 3 hours telling her everything. We dissected the details, looked at it from logical points of view, emotional, and in the end… it helped but in the moments of doing it, it seemed like a laundry list of shit.

That was then, this is now.

Yesterday I received an email from a friend – who remembers names, dates, and places – I texted her back. It was very heart warming. She’s important to me. She knew me at a transitional state that was rocky and turbulent. She watched me ride it out… and watched me fall apart. It was good to hear from her.

Today I heard from someone else – who also remembers names, dates, and places – I texted her back. It was also quite heart warming and she’s extremely important to me. She saw me in a less rocky state of mind but then saw me fall like a house of cards in December. She understood it on a level that no one else has ever acknowledged. She allowed me to be me without criticisms and supported me. She also watched me fall apart. It was good to hear from her too.

I’ve also reconnected with someone else after some effort on both parts and this month marks us being in each other’s lives for 8 years. She’s also important. She may not always remember names, dates, and places but we grew up together and she defined my late 20s and early 30s. She has seen me fall apart, freak out, pull it together, save myself, drown, and sometimes just…float.

I consider myself very lucky to have these 3 people walk into my life. It wasn’t always sunshine and lollipops but each has given me gifts and laughter in their own authentic ways.