I’ve been stating my boundaries. I’ve been detaching from dramatic things that do not directly impact me or my well-being. I’ve been turning my energies towards friends and others who empathize and make good connections with me. I’ve been evaluating the people in my life and making small changes to place them at distances that are healthier for me or drawing them closer depending on what I see, feel, and think. If this was in terms of a bookshelf – I’m organizing by English Lit, American Lit, Poetry, Reference, Religion, and Non-Fiction and then alphabetically by author.

Trust and Connection have been big words in my head lately. Who do I trust? Why do I trust them? What is it that draws me to them/him/her? Do we have two way conversation? Do we talk to each other or at each other? How do I feel after spending time with someone? Do they empathize with me? Do I with them? Do we share commonalities that are good, bad, and make a connection?

Making connections kind of goes against all we’re “taught” – the whole “go it alone!” and “success is not needing anyone” thing – I mean, you know what happens to brain development in babies if they have no connection to another right? You know how babies can die without touch right? So, connection is something we are wired to have and it helps us thrive. But bad connections or those made out of desperation or co-dependent connections can damage and mess you up a lot and distort your view of what it means to connect, belong, and be part of a group, couple, whatever.

As I’m processing all these things that sound on the surface so easy and like common sense – I’m looking around and I’m putting a lot of people at arm’s length. I’m also doing it a lot faster than I thought I would and I’m sure it is part of some self-preservation thing I’m going through. The concern I have is that I’ll end up putting a fortress around me and I know that I am capable of that. When I was younger I spent 4 years not expanding my circle of friends, not dating, and rarely going out to “protect” myself – and I don’t want to do that again. That was too extreme. That was damaging. I lost connections.

I am trying to be critically aware of my shortcomings, my strengths, and my balance. Everyday I leave the house and try to do something – exercise in some way, eat, talk to someone (even if it’s the cashier or barista), do something for others (something as small as holding a door counts), and do something for myself. I’m not hitting zen anytime soon and there’s no fucking way I’ll be like the Reclining Buddha. However, if I can cultivate real connections, keep the ones I adore, and let go of my uncertainty of what the future brings I think I’ll be ok.

I need to keep playing… the opposite of play is depression… running around with a kid, playing trains or cars, climbing trees, goofing around, and messing with my cats… play cultivates creativity.

“Fortune brings in some boats that are not steer’d” – Cymbeline

Someone recently told me about the concept of Saturn Returning – and it seems to happen every 29 years. So I’m past that point but it also looks like it cycles around now and then… and so (since I have time) I looked up some stuff about my birth year, birth chart, and found the following information (and while I don’t put much belief into astrology this was interesting and I am curious what the sobering realities are that I’ll come across this Fall. I do agree that I “wing it” in terms of how relationships progress.):

Saturn continues to transit your solar twelfth house this year. Saturn has been turning a critical eye to all that lies beneath the surface, and you have been forced to do some serious “spring cleaning” of your psyche during this period. You have been facing your own demons – the vague yet haunting fears that undermine you – and continue this mission during this period.

We all have skeletons in our closet. What we don’t always realize is that they can seriously undermine our happiness and well-being. Saturn sweeps through your “closet” (the twelfth house), and demands that you take a hard look at what’s been hiding in there. Is this process uncomfortable? For many of us, it can be. But getting rid of outdated attachments, and examining and discarding irrational fears, is not only necessary for further growth and development – it’s ultimately a huge relief. Health issues, generally of a psychosomatic nature, may have come to the fore. Do your best not to dwell on past failures or guilt for what you haven’t done during this cycle. Detach yourself from these things as much as possible.

Saturn enters your sign in October 2012, but will not reach a conjunction to your Sun until October 2013 or later.

Changes to your personality and needs this year are subtle and yet significant. For one, you’re more willing to learn from others and to accept support offered. For another, your tastes in romance, recreation, and the arts are slowly but surely refining and blossoming.

Relationships continue to figure strongly in your life this year. You are finding more joy in others, and they are more responsive to your needs. Partnership opportunities increase, particularly until June, in direct proportion to your generosity of spirit. Romance and casual relationships are unusual and exciting. The last quarter of the year brings less focus on pleasure and socializing.

You want to grow through your relationships, and don’t appreciate humdrum, stagnant partnerships in which you might feel caged in. You love variety, and can be given to exaggeration—not because you are intentionally trying to mislead others, but because you have such an expansive vision in matters of the heart. Sometimes, as a result, you may promise more than you can give.

You value spontaneity, and prefer to “wing it” when it comes to love. Planning ahead takes all the spice out of your life. You attract others with a free and easy attitude, and quickly become chummy with potential partners. You love to make people laugh, and your goofiness is generally considered attractive. A partnership that is too serious would drag you down. You are a dreamer, and have many visions.

Increased personal responsibilities are likely with Saturn’s entry into your sign, where it will transit until 2015. It’s a time for keeping a lower profile and working on solid, long-term goals. Getting your life into order is the focus now. You’ll be tending to those things you’ve left unfinished or neglected – matters that suddenly become pressing at this time. It would be wise to prepare for this cycle that begins in October by carefully considering practical responsibilities that you’ve let slide and tending to them, slowly but surely, so that you are not overwhelmed.

In 2012, there is likely to be increased attention to alternative health methods and lifestyles. Keeping daily life running smoothly (busy but not hectic is the goal) can be a challenge. While you’re likely to find that financial support is easier to come by than usual this year, you will need to carefully watch your spending and borrowing habits. This comes more naturally from October forward. While the last quarter of 2012 can bring some sobering realities into your life, it’s also a period conducive to turning dreams into reality, particularly creative ones. Your personality toughens up, but your powers of persuasion run high.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy – the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

– Brene Brown