Still Life with Cats

Situation on Flickr – Photo Sharing!.

Jen bought a few old Playboys so she could make a collage or something – It’s called Art… but… we found this disturbing pic.

This is what I’m listening to as I look for jobs, check twitter, and write this entry. Why not?!

January has probably been one of the hardest, weirdest, and moody months I’ve ever experienced. Jen and I have been split now for nearly a month and at first it was confusing and I had doubts as to how we’d ever talk again or be friends. A few days after we broke up, we talked on the phone and met in Manhattan at her fav. lunch spot. Since then, we had been talking about us, about general day to day things, and reestablishing ourselves as “Jen and Kat: best friends” and not “Jen and Kat: couple.” Surprising to me, it wasn’t as hard to draw that line as I thought it would be. I had thought that if Jen and I broke up, that I’d be unable to be friends with her because I’d be too upset or sad or just unable to look at her without wanting to be back in a couple or possibly even with resentment. So far, none of that seems to exist.

Last week there was a big twitter party in San Fran and I hadn’t planned on going due to the complex situation that I was in regarding Jen. However, she asked me to come because she wanted someone there she felt comfortable with who would help her out if she felt nervous, ground her, and just be there. I said ok and was glad I did. The party was fun, meeting people was great, and being on a mini-vacation was good for both of us. On the way home, we ended up on the same plane and have been working out what to do with our things this whole week.

There’s no real drama. We weren’t ever dramatic people. I like my working life to be chaotic or busy but I want my home to be calm, stable, and a place to go where I can be myself and not be wrapped up in insanity. My home has always been my shell where I can retreat to and decompress. It also seems to be the same for Jen. She’s more relaxed here than she was in San Fran. We’re supporting each other while we also depart from each other. It’s a strange dynamic. It’s one of the calmest breakups I’ve ever heard of…

We talked about how if it was ugly, fighting, and tense it would never put closure on our relationship. It would make it feel like 5.5 years was for nothing and a waste of our time. But we grew up together, complimented each other’s personalities, and also made each other vulnerable like we’ve never had to anyone else. These things bond us and probably will never change. I hope February isn’t as rocky and I can find a job. A job would be nice.

On New Year’s Eve I went out to see an improv comedy show and then went home and was on the bus at midnight. The next morning my gf told me she wanted to end the relationship – and that was the start of 2010 for me. I think I got dehydrated during the week as I cried a lot – at random times – couldn’t help it – even going for walks I couldn’t always control or contain myself. Nor did I want to really… it just was very shocking and painful.

Then I went to NYC for a week to see my family and friends and also get my cats. One of the days there I ran into some guy who I first thought was a nutjob but later found out was a writer and trying to write an article for the New Yorker about why people cry. I said that’s too general and made no sense to me (I’m not nice). Then he broke it down more and really… what he was trying to get at was why people cry in public or WHY I THINK PEOPLE CRY IN PUBLIC. I said it could be a number of reasons but mostly just large amounts of emotions that cannot be contained. Think of weddings, funerals, getting fired from a job unexpectedly, losing your gf… you’ll cry. He then wanted to try and see if there’s a phenom in NYC where you’ll see this more often and I said no. It’s more just the sheer number of people occupying physical space that determines frequency. A highway that has 20 cars a day on it won’t see as many accidents as one that has 5000 cars on it… in theory. I don’t think NYC has a vibe or “GOD” that determines that you’ll cry in public more often. In fact, if anything NYC is a mean ol’ bitch and you better get a tougher skin bc you will be kicked in the face, told what people actually think of you, called names, and looked at in repulsive ways by others on the train, in a bar, at the laundromat. If you’re easily shaken by this – you may find NYC unwelcoming.

Later in the week I talked to my exgf on the phone and we talked like the friends we are, had become, and it made me feel better. It was a double edged sword – I’m sad she’s not here. I’m sad she isn’t in the house to talk to, joke with, or annoy. I annoyed her quite a bit but she seemed ok with that… and I’m sad she’s not here to give one of my cats the attention he loved from her. At the same time, we are talking, we are laughing, and we’re going to be ok. Some people remain friends to a point – and it’s hard to say if that’ll happen to us – I’d like to think she’ll be a friend forever (silly idea huh?) but I can’t imagine her and I never speaking or emailing. I can’t imagine us not wanting to tell each other random things or share good things.

At this moment, I don’t regret the 5 years I’ve spent with her. I don’t regret the compromises I made to try and make our relationship better. I don’t regret the other times we’ve broken up as each time seemed to open our communication lines a little more and we learned more about each other. I do regret that in times like this I can’t fight for what I want – but even if I did – I agree and know this would have happened eventually – maybe in 3 months, 6months, a year. There were just some things we hadn’t been able to address and work on that felt possible at the point in our lives that we are in… there just were some differences between us that we couldn’t figure out. However, like I said before, we are close and staying friends. She knows more about me than anyone else and probably knows what’s best for me – better than I know myself.

I’m in Portland, OR – this time with two cats. One who is looking out the kitchen window with awe and the other one is rolling on the rug. The job hunt has started again and I’m already disgusted at the crappy jobs out there and the not so crappy ones that want way too many qualifications for too little pay. This is going to be a long month…