This site is a disaster horrible sloppy mess weird grouping waste of space collection of things with stuff. If you’re looking for clowns who can make balloon animals or monkeys wearing fez caps and little vests… well, you might have better luck checking something like Tinder or heading to the circus. I make no guarantees there is anything here that is worthwhile for you, but you may be amused by some of what you find.
What if we could see, with great tenderness, the painful unmet needs that have shaped our behaviors?
Relationships are the most rewarding and sometimes challenging aspect of this life. Falling in love requires putting your soul in your partner’s hand for safekeeping.True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind…
“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke
5 Principles of Effective Communication
- Wear your heart on your sleeve. Emotional bravery.
- Focus on your needs, not on partner’s shortcomings.
- Be specific.
- Don’t blame – no judgment, anger, or accusations
- Be assertive and non apologetic
3 Main Attachment Styles in Relationships:
- Feels comfortable with intimacy
- Craves intimacy
- Preoccupied with relationships
- Worries about partner’s ability to love them back
- Equates intimacy with loss of independence
- Constantly tries to minimize closeness
Distancing, and all of us do it to limit our intimacy with others when we don’t want to be close, but for the aviodant it’s a tool used on the most important people in their lives.
List of distancing behaviors (also called deactivating strategies):
- Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit” but staying together.
- Focusing on small imperfections in your partner – the way s/ he talks, dresses, or eats, and allowing it to get in the way of romantic feelings.
- Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend – the “phantom ex.”
- Flirting with others – a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
- Not saying “I love you” while implying that you do.
- Pulling away when things are going well – not calling for several days after an intimate date.
- Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as, with someone who is married.
- “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking.
- Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain feeling of independence.
- Avoiding physical closeness – not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex.
An inability to name and talk about feelings cripples a person’s ability to be consciously aware of them. If you are very poor at doing this, you tend to note feelings only as manifested in somatic symptoms like fast heart rate, discomfort, loss of energy, nervousness, etc. This is why talking to someone about how you feel (or writing about it) is also training for being conscious of feelings internally. The more you talk about it to others, the more you can talk about it to yourself.
“An honorable human relationship, that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word love, is a process of deepening the truths they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.”
– Adrienne Rich